For Your Own Sake, Forgive
I KNOW, I know I gave my word to you munchkins that my next post would be about how Happy came about, but when one is bitten by the bug of inspiration, one must follow it!
My roommate and I occasionally read from A Deep Breath of Life; Daily Inspiration for Heart-Centered Living. It lays on our living room table and always seems to find and fulfill us when we perfectly need it. The last day of my sickness, I read the following passage and was a tad let down to be honest from this book’s usually life-giving wisdom.
Cut to Friday, the day the blog went live, I was texting someone I care about who was having an internal negotiation about asking friends for support. I saw myself in her. I can relate to her unwillingness to be taken care of by others. It’s like the underlying idea being I know what I want and I know what I need and it seems safer to me to let you off the hook from supporting me than dealing with the pain of being vulnerable enough to depend on you… and get let down.
“You’re human” I said. We’re all human. We can stop punishing ourselves when imperfection arises because its the epitome of humanity. Unwanted habits are like my infected tooth. They take time to solidify… it’s going to take the same amount of time creating new, wanted habits before they’re second nature – Can we show ourselves a little kindness during the transition?
It’s choppy and hopefully my typographical errors didn’t confuse you too much, but the subtext of what was said is as follows:
Friend: I hate needing people, Some support would be nice but it’s too late now I’ve messed it up
Me: No One is perfect and we all still deserve love
My friend was a powerful teacher in that moment. Instead of judging her, I supported her. Where she was stopped by guilt, my compassion gave me the clarity to see she wasn’t as far from the solution as she may think. It was just so EASY, when it came to looking at my darling friend’s situation… to see a beautiful woman trying her best and when you strip everything away it can be hard to ask for love and yet a shit-ton-of-love is all she really needs right now.
DO I TREAT MYSELF THE SAME WAY?
In that moment I realized I’d been doing the same thing with my boyfriend and best friend. In feeling vulnerable, sick, depressed I had made it nearly impossible for them to support me or even know what’s going on with me. I avoided their calls, was picking fights, and silent-treatment-ing the crap outta them. If I didn’t need my dad’s help (who will be referred to as The Ray from here on out), his calls probably would’ve gone unanswered too.
I wasn’t shutting anyone out on purpose. At least, it didn’t feel like it. When I was sick, I didn’t want to burden anyone with having to take care of/be there for me. It seems easier. I already feel like crap I don’t want to have to TELL you to bring me soup, or stroke my hair while I sleep, or that I want your undivided attention even though I literally cant speak to you because my gums are in excruciating pain. It seems like too much to ask, and maybe it is. BUT *mini revelation* regardless of what you think is “right” or “wrong” (2 words I highly recommend you remove completely from your vocabulary), merely by someone declaring they love us, they have contractually committed themselves to being concerned about our wellbeing and wanting to be of service. This doesn’t mean that people have to do (or even can do) what we’d like of them. But it means that when we NEED something, we are ABSOLUTELY worthy and deserving of at least getting the OPPORTUNITY to have those needs met by being HEARD and speaking up for our SOULS!!! Did you hear that? Let me repeat,
You are worthy and deserving of asking for what you need because then you actually have a SHOT at getting it.
My girlfriend calls AS I’m having this huge life epiphany.
“…He…hello!” – I say through a constricted throat, tears streaming.
“Hey girl! Is everything okay!?!?!”
“Omgosh, yes you have NO idea! You literally are catching me as I am making a huge life discovery about myself. I realized that even though I have made SO much progress, allowing people to support me is something I still struggle with. I’ve been doing everything possible to push you and Kadeem away this week, and I’m not even mad at YOU GUYS I’m mad at myself.. that I need support… yet, I’m making it really hard to get it… and I know you guys aren’t mind readers… but the anger at myself starts to spill out over at you and I’m like upset that you guys aren’t around because you take me at my word that I want space… And I don’t… and I love you both so much… And what I’m really saying is *Deep Breath* Can you forgive me? I’d like to ask for forgiveness for pushing you away and not always making it easy to be there for me. When I’m sick and vulnerable I’m just so sensitive and I wasn’t even aware I was doing this.”
“OF COURSE DUDE! Thank you for telling me because when I want space – I REALLY want space haha – and its so much easier to be there when I actually know what you want and how I can help!”
IT JUST FELT SO GOOD, Y’ALL! I LITERALLY felt Me click back into place, back into who I really am. I was MYSELF again. Who I am is connection; I love happiness and laughter and showing others how much I care – not separation, insecurity, and withholding love and being pissed off. The moment I forgave myself for my humanity, and forgave others for not being mind readers and deciphering my cryptic cries for help, I felt HAPPY! I couldn’t wait to see them! I couldn’t wait to blog about it!
WHAT’S THE POINT?
So, why am I taking the time (and yours as you’re reading) to talk about forgiveness on a happiness blog? WELL my beautiful beings, it’s because as I became spiritual and started actively seeking to
better love myself and my life, I’d read about these tools (gratitude lists, meditation, letting go) and just think what a bunch of crap!? You’re telling me that letting that person off the hook who screwed me over is somehow gonna make MY life better!? You’re telling me making a list of things I appreciate is gonna make me feel better about my body? But now that I am ACTUALLY doing them, and utilizing these tools consistently, the quality of my life has drastically transformed, and I can say with confidence beyond a shadow of a doubt:
The more we Forgive Ourselves & Others is the Happier We’ll Be
The next time you feel the impulse to beat yourself up for skipping a workout or wanting to withhold your love from someone because they said something insensitive, I pray you remember to Forgive everything, for YOUR sake! Replace those pockets of anger and hurt with happiness instead. Allow yourself the FREEDOM to be who you really are! Easier said than applied so be compassionate to your beautiful self while you figure out how to apply this to your life.
To Your & My Happily Ever After,
ox Liza xo